Knowing what you want is not as simple a question as you would think and for me, I was only able to articulate what I wanted from my life in January 2018 at the age of 51.
I explained in my opening chapter that when previously asked what I wanted, my response was “what everybody else wanted” and in the cold light of day this was a terribly sad and tragic response to such an important question, but one that summed up completely the level of importance I placed on me.
So for me, in early 2018 I identified four things that I wanted and made them my goals for the year. They were pretty big and broad goals and I have outlined below;
1. To be loved, valued and respected by myself
2. To be loved, valued and respected by my three kids
3. To be valued and respected by my work
4. To be loved, valued and respected by a partner
I was able to achieve the first three of these goals but failed on number three, however if truth be told I realised pretty early on that I didn’t actually need the love of a partner to be happy so I parked that one of to the side mid-year.
And why was I able to achieve these goals? Because these were pretty big and broad goaIs to be reaching for.
Well I made sure that the majority of my time, efforts, reflection and thinking were all fashioned around achieving them. That what I was doing each day was focussed around the dimensions of loving me more, being a brilliant parent and being a success in my work.
So, ask yourself the same question now “what do I want?”.
And when you have done this write them down and start making a list of the things you need to do to get you what you want.
Maybe you want to have a better relationship with your partner, or more financial security. Maybe you want to be less anxious and free from worrying all the time. Maybe you want a better job.
Maybe you want an overseas adventure with your mates, or a weekend away. Or maybe you want a better job doing more of the things you are passionate about.
One of the things I have learned this year is that true happiness and peace does not come from my external environment, from the amount of “stuff” I have or the value of that stuff. And this lines up with the Shawn Achor research which states that only 10% of your external surroundings influence your happiness levels.
In fact, I have discovered that what I actually want is more of less, because for me my happiness comes from the moments I share with my social connections, my children or my work colleagues. My happiness comes from my growth and how I feel about myself and nothing to do with any of my physical belongings.
I have learned that having a better car, or bigger house or more expensive things do not contribute to my happiness so I don’t make any of these things goals I am looking to achieve.
In fact strangely enough, when I found myself moving from an Mercedes ML350 as my primary car to a Mazda2 my level of happiness actually increased because driving that car became such a representation of the old me and my old way of life, that getting out of it was actually a relief for me.
And when you are putting together your goals list keep that in mind. Don’t build your goal list around achieving more wealth or social status because none of these things are going to drive your feelings of happiness or wellbeing.
A better house, a better car or an increase in salary will not make you happier, but a deeper relationship with a friend you love certainly will. So invest where you are going to receive the best return and spend your time there.
I read an article about Melissa Mayer some years ago when she was the CEO of Yahoo, and she was asked how she managed to balance being a CEO and mother. Her response was that “you have to ruthlessly prioritize.”
And here she is spot. It is easy to get distracted by the urgent in life because honestly that is sometimes easier to deal with than the important. But if you truly want transformational change in your life you need to build your actions, behaviours and thoughts around achieving the change you desire.
Now I’m really good at setting the big over aching goals but not as effective at breaking that down, but if I was good at this I would do my goal setting and list making around four dimensions;
1. What are my goals for the year
2. What are my goals for the day
3. What are my goals for the week
4. What are my goals for the month
I would do this for my personal like and for my business life, knowing that setting goals around your work life is sometimes easier than your personal life, and I would have a worksheet for both.
I would review it every week and measure my progress against my goals. I would ruthlessly prioritise so that my time was focussing on my goals and not the stuff I needed to do and make sure that my thinking and my reflection was being focussed on these important things, and not the urgent white noise in everyone’s life.
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